The world doesn't revolve around YOU
by says who
Summary: The war is over, and Hermione is going nuts with Draco Malfoy being Head Boy. How will she get revenge with him for all the embarrassing things he does to her?
1. Chapter 1

"Ahem… ahem…. AHEM…" What am I thinking. This is obviously not going to get the attention of the great (cough), wonderful, (cough), amazing (eye roll) Draco Malfoy. Fondly known as " the master of all ferrets" to me, but the " dead sexiest man alive" to the rest of the female population. Which is something I don't even understand. How can a dead mean by sexy?

"Do you have something to say my dear sugar lump," came the reply from ' the master of all ferrets'. And then he turned around and smirked at me. SMIRKED. I mean of all people to do so, when everyone knows never to smirk at Hermione Granger.

"You do know you look like a freak," I replied wittily.

"Well you obviously haven't looked in the mirror. I mean is that even a head," was the retort I received.

I had nothing to respond with to that blatantly stupid insult… at least the second part of it. I mean who even says, 'is that even a head'. It doesn't make sense. But I had to respond to the rude freak with skin so pale he looked like a freaking vampire and blue eyes that look like they're made of steel even though I don't know how that's possible because steel isn't blue.

I took a deep breath. "Well, yo momma's so fat she sat on a rainbow and made skittles."

Gasps echoed all around me. Oops. Maybe that wasn't the greatest thing to say in the middle of a prefect meeting. But what was I supposed to do? I had to get my idea across that there should be cake at the upcoming Christmas ball. I mean who can survive without cake? I eat all kinds of cake… birthday cake, wedding cake, baby shower cake, chocolate cake, vanilla cake, strawberry cake, soft cake, and hard cake. I suppose you can call me a cake addict. In my opinion the best cake of all is the soft vanilla-y kind with the chocolate icing and the rainbow sprinkles. Or maybe it's the chocolate kind with…

"Oohhh bushy haired buck toothed eager beaver nerd," came a distant singsong voice.

" What," I snapped angrily having been interrupted from my exceptionally pleasant cake daydream. The cake I was dreaming about had three layers with fudge in between them. Wait; did Malfoy just call me a bushy haired bucktooth eager beaver nerd?

"GO JUMP OF A CLIFF INTO A CANYON WITH ALLIGATORS SNAPPING AT YOUR BONY WHITE ANKLES. MAY THEY EAT YOU ALIVE AND SPIT OUT YOUR BONES AND THEN I HOPE YOUR BONES ROT AND GET POOPED ON BY RABBITS BECAUSE THEY ARE THE MOST ANNOYING CREATURES ON EARTH AND THEY FREAK ME OUT. We should have cake at the winter ball by the way," was my dignified reply to his insult.

It annoys me a lot when I get called a bush heard buck toothed whatever. First of all my hair isn't even bushy anymore, but simply curly. Second of all, if he looked carefully, he would have realized I had gotten rid of my problem of seriously needing braces in like fourth year. Bejeebus. Sometimes I wonder how that insufferable git even got to be head boy. Sure he saw 'the light' or whatever but I mean who even freaking cares when he still acts like a pompous jerk.

"Well then I suppose this meeting is over. Everybody leave now then," ordered a calm and collected Malfoy.

"But the cake…." I faltered as all the prefects left the meeting in a bustle so as to finish their homework I'm supposing. Wait I just realized something. Malfoy probably ended the meeting right then just so we couldn't talk about my cake suggestion to make me mad. Ha I figured out his master plan, but now I couldn't let him win. I took several deep-calming breaths. Calming yeah right. In fact they just proceeded to make me all the more hysterical. I finally gained a shred of control to keep myself from jumping on the pointy-faced pale youth and pummeling his guts out his butt crack.

"I heard that meditation is great therapy for disturbed minds like yours," said Malfoy.

I stopped taking deep calming breaths and opened my eyes only to see Malfoy's broad back to me walking away. Well more like swaggering. I don't think he even knows how to walk like a normal person. I then proceeded to attempt burning his cloak with my signature fiery glare. But I guess the fates weren't on my side today, because I didn't succeed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys, this is my first story ever, so I was wondering if I needed to make a disclaimer or something, and how you do it. Sorry about the grammar errors in my previous chapter. I tried to catch all of them this time. Anyway enjoy and review! Oh, and I like constructive criticism, so if you think it's lame or have any suggestions just tell me.**

"Ummm… are you okay?" Ron questioned after the prefect meeting.

" You looked kinda angry…." Nooo what did he expect. Did he want me to get up and prance around like a freaking fairy?

"No Ron I am absolutely fine," I managed to say in my snottiest voice ever. I've discovered that whenever you want either Harry or Ron to piss off, all you've got to do is act smart and use big words, or at least speak eloquently. This is extremely easy, as their standards for elegant speech is to simply talk with proper grammar.

" What are you gawking at Ron? Do I happen to have a particle of food pasted to my iridescently glowing cheek?" I managed to say with as much haughtiness I could muster.

"Of course not Hermione. By the way, did I tell you that your glowing cheek is rather becoming?"

Bloody hell. Does he not get the point from my glowering eyes? My cheeks are glowing with anger not embarrassment. I want him to _go away_. Instead the poor bloke tries to cover up his obvious gawking with a compliment. That is, if you can even classify his feeble attempt as a compliment. I decided that it would be best if I didn't answer so he would go away. I needed some time to myself to brood over the fact that there probably wouldn't be any cake at the winter ball.

"Okay then… I'll just be going now okay Mione… heh heh. I'll be in the Great Hall with Harry if you need anything. So… I'm uh leaving. Uh Bye."

Finally he's gone. I got Ron to leave. Go Hermione, Go Hermione, Who's the man. YOU"RE THE MAN. I mean _wo_-man. I took a quick look around to make sure there was nobody in the hallway. When I was absolutely sure that the coast was clear, I began to dance my very own patented happy dance.

" Hey Hairymione, are you doing a pagan baboon mating ritual?"

Crap. I hope that isn't who I think it is. Great it's the master of all ferrets. In the flesh.

"Shut up fathead." Go me. I've been wanting to use that insult forever. I mean, isn't it the funniest thing ever.

"You shouldn't be talking. You're the one doing the mating dance of the mongoose," came his reply.

Worms on a stick. How poopy. What am I supposed to say? I don't even know what the hell a mongoose is. For all I know, it doesn't even exist, and if I don't say something about it's nonexistence, he'll rub it in my face forever. Okay I need to calm down. Once again I am taking deep relaxing breaths. Okay now I'm sure he's just baiting me. There is no such thing as a mongoose. Right?

"Well, a mongoose isn't even real," I said again in my snottiest voice. What is up with today? I've been using my know it all voice excessively.

"Duh it exists Granger. Oh don't tell me the great, all knowing, mighty Hermione Granger doesn't know what a mongoose is."

Um oops. So a mongoose is real. What should I do? Luckily enough I see my best friend Susan Bones walking down the hallway.

"Love to talk… gotta go… Susan… important… need to leave." I trailed off feebly and quickly walked over to her. Great. Malfoy just bested me twice in five minutes. I have to get even with him.

Crapcakes.

Anyway back to Susan.

Susan can be described as…. well for lack of a better word… perky. I don't know how else to say it. If it's raining and minus a billion degrees outside and we have to go harvest pumpkins from Hagrid's garden to feed flobberworms by stuffing our entire fingers down the disgusting slimy lengths of their throats, she would probably say something about how it wasn't bad at all, because we were building up our body's defense system to better withstand the cold. Susan and I are complete opposites.

Physically, I'm rather short with curly chestnut hair and hazel eyes. I supposeI could be passed off as pretty.Susan on the other hand is much taller with straight blond hair and sparkly blue eyes. She is absolutely bloody gorgeous.

It isn't just our physical appearances that are different. You know the situation I mentioned just a couple seconds earlier? While Susan would be chirping about how great of an opportunity it was, I would be bitching about the weather to anyone who would listen. If nobody was there to hear me, I would still curse the sodding weather under my breath. I'd also probably grump about, kick a couple things, cause a couple people bodily harm, and scream at the sky for ruining my day with crappy weather. Today was no exception the Susan-is-so-freaking-happy-and-I'm-a-depressed-maniac-freak-woman rule.

"Hey Mione, How was your day?"

Ugh must her voice always sound so happy? Now don't get me wrong here. I love my friends. Harry, Ron, Susan. I mean they are the greatest people in the entire world. I just get really snappy when I'm annoyed at something.

"Great Susan. Absolutely fan-bloody-tastic."

" Oh dear. What happened Mione?"

Curse her stupid motherly radar instinct thing. I ended up telling her everything that happened with Malfoy, and how he pissed me off so much.

"Oh… wow… You guys really suck at coming up with insults hun. That has got to be the lamest argument I've ever heard."

Um _excuse me. _" Not helping Suz." I reminded her with a gentle shove. Okay I concede. Maybe the shove wasn't so gentle.

Susan picked herself up off the ground. She was used to it by now, for I had indignant violent outbreaks like that often. She brushed herself off nonchalantly as if nothing ever happened.

Yeah right. If I know Susan, I'll probably wake up in the morning with broccoli instead of hair. I still remember that incident very clearly. Perhaps that's because it happened just yesterday. While Susan is extremely nice, she isn't a pushover. Whenever I have these violent outbreaks, I can expect retaliation in the form of a prank sometime soon. We both accept the relationship we have. I never retaliate for her pranks as they usually don't last long, and I know she only plays them so we're even after I cause her injury.

" I've got a plan," gushes Susan with shining eyes.

Uh oh this is so not good. Last time I went along with one of Susan's plans, we both ended up regurgitating slime every five seconds until we got to the hospital wing. This also led to a very angry Filch since we slimed up the hallways on our way, and ultimately ended with a weeks worth of detention scrubbing the toilets in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom while Myrtle sang annoying taunting songs about violet toilets.

" I'm going to teach you how to insult someone properly. Then you can insult Malfoy until his brain wilts like a dead daisy when he can't think of any comebacks. Plus we can also play a bunch of pranks on Malfoy. What do you say old chum?" Suz questions with shining eyes,

Argh can't say no to those bright eyes. I suppose my insulting could use some help. Besides pranking Malfoy sounds fun. I can just imagine his brain wilting like a dead daisy. Now that I think about it, I believe the daisy symbolizes death in some country. But I musn't act to excited around Suz, because she gets as excited as a sugar high kid when it comes to pranking people.

" Fine Suz," I manage to sigh resignedly, when inside I'm threatening to burst with excitement at the prospect of pranking Malfoy so bad he ends up crying for his mommy.

Eew. That would be gross if I actually burst with excitement. I'm thinking about my guts smeared on the wall. It kind of looks like the meatloaf they used to serve at my primary school.

Nasty.

We saunter into the Great Hall and spot Ron and Harry. We walk over to sit by them.

Ron hasn't changed much over the years. He's still freakishly tall, but I must admit he has grown much more muscular so it all balances out. His muscles and lopsided grin have attracted many Hogwarts girls. Brainwise, ( I know that isn't a word but I like inventing new words so Psh) he's still the same. Girl dumb, and a little (cough) slow when catching on to things.

Harry had a growth spurt over the summer as well, and same as Ron he was sporting a pretty nice six pack as well, having taken up basketball over the summer in addition to quidditch. He was obviously wanted by many girls because of his 'boy who lived' status, but even otherwise, who could resist those emerald eyes?

Other than me of course, I mean I'm his best friend. Our relationship is purely platonic, as it is with Ron.

I'm not so sure about Susan though. I have a feeling she has an infatuation with Harry.

Note to self: Remember to thoroughly torture and question Susan about Harry to squeeze the truth out of her.

We both sit down at the table.

"Hey guys," chorus Harry and Ron at the same time.

Wow how freaky.

"Hey Mione are you feeling better?" questions Ron.

I give him a blank stare, because in the excitement of pranking Malfoy, I completely forgot about my shitty mood.

"Much," I say with an ear splitting smile. Susan and I share a conspiratorial grin.

" Right, I won't even ask about that smile," says Harry. " Hey have you heard that joke about the shoe salesman and the customer? Well the customer says ' what kind of leather makes the best shoes?' and the salesman says 'well I don't know, but I do know that banana peels make the best slippers'."

At this Ron and Susan positively crack up. And I mean crack up. They're both red in the face with pumpkin juice squirting out Ron's nose. How gross.

And Susan calls _me_ lame. That joke wasn't even funny. While my friends are busting up, I start to get moody again. Gosh I think I must be on pms or something. Thank god today is almost over, and I can return to the sweet comfort of my bed.


	3. Chapter 3

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**Sorry ya'll who liked this story, but I'm stopping this one for good. I don't like it anymore and don't have any inspiration for it. When reading it a second time it even sounds a little lame. I do however have another story called Physical Education Horror, which I am urging you to read. (Wow this sounds really cheap like I'm trying to use this to advertise my other story. Which I guess I am doing but…) Physical Education Horror is my pride and joy, and I hope you will take the time to read it.And this ends this story for good.**

**The End.**

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